i used baking grease as lip gloss
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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