it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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