You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
