Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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