I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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