can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
