I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
