I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
