walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
