Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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