I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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