I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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