man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
