hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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