when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
