Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
