I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
