Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
