you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
