I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
