If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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