She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
