Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So apparently I’m into choking now
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
