Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
