Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I am naked and annoyed.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
