I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize