I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
