I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You are the jesus of drinking
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
