i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
