Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Cover your peen. We're going out.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
