I'm going to jail i love you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
