I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Randomize
