You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
