I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
