I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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