wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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