Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
