You smell like a Billy Joel song
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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