So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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