My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
