i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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