Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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