he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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