Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
