you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
