I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
