Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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