i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
