God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
