another moral hangover. fuck.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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