who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
