Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Barsexuality is the new black.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
